Genesis Jitters- early draft with less annoying title forthcoming
It matters that your lover follows you up the stairs
after that final glass of champagne.
It matters that your children are tucked tight
in their beds on a winter's night.
It matters that words, ghost-linked to paper
are like-minded spirits who converse over coffee
again and again
engaged
and merry
in hopes that ghost-babies don't cry, trace letters
or grow up too fast, too scared
too destined to marry with fears
that break limbs.
It matters.
(Comments are from a previous draft. I accidentally deleted the old version. I'll re-post it alongside this draft soon.)
after that final glass of champagne.
It matters that your children are tucked tight
in their beds on a winter's night.
It matters that words, ghost-linked to paper
are like-minded spirits who converse over coffee
again and again
engaged
and merry
in hopes that ghost-babies don't cry, trace letters
or grow up too fast, too scared
too destined to marry with fears
that break limbs.
It matters.
(Comments are from a previous draft. I accidentally deleted the old version. I'll re-post it alongside this draft soon.)
6 Comments:
Worth pursuing. I'd cut the penultimate strophe entirely. Maybe the tension between the domestic and the need to write could be increased? That might be one avenue you could go down.
Is it that your words, ghosts now chained to paper
are restless, seek out other like-minded spirits
These two lines seemed to stand out each time I read it.
btw - changed my url - wuzupchuck.blogspot.com
Thanks for commenting on this one, Rob. I appreciate it.
I agree with you about doing away with the last bit.
ok. Time to furrow my brow a bit while chomping the end of the revision pencil.
Merry Christmas!
Chuck-
Glad you liked those two lines.
I had wondered where your blog ran off to. Didn't have to wonder for too long.
Thanks for the update on your site. I chucked the old site from my chocolate box and repaced it with the new.
Merry Christmas!
solid draft--wish my first drafts were this solid. they're more like bbq sauce dripping on a clean white shirt. yikes! enjoyed this.
Thanks, Jenni. Glad you enjoyed.
BBQ stained shirts (loved that image for first drafts, btw). Yeah. I've got those. Three bags full. Well, it feels like it. I'll SHOUT them out eventually!
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